Shit Cinema

Comprehensive list available of all my Shit Cinema  picks now available on IMDB, as well as a  Top 10  best worst movies. Enjoy!

Possibly 1998's biggest piece of shit, Little Miss Magic Well, I actually don't know what to say about this. And I couldn't find any clips of it on YouTube so I feel I'm hardly going to do it justice, but wow. One fateful day at a second hand store I found a "family movie pack", of 10 seemingly low-budget, straight to DVD films that looked like an absolute treasure trove. So while sitting on the couch hungover, January 1st, I decided to surprise my company with a film from it, and I am as equally sorry as I am not at all sorry for what we endured. Little Miss Magic - looks like a fun and energetic 90s film about a girl floating various pieces of outdated technology over her head, in some sort of Sabrina The Teenage Witch-esque novelty piece. Instead, right from the get-go it is a colourless, lo-fi and terrible (and I do mean terrible) CGI with the acting and production qualities of something like a midday movie or a bad episode of Touched By An Angel. ...

A Holiday Cat-astrophe With the festive season once again imminent, I decided to purchase a collection of Christmas-themed crap, this being one of them. Mostly because cats. So while gathered around on Christmas day, what better thing to do than talk to eachother but put on a film and gather round the television for another shit cinema masterpiece - Santa Claws. (Also just a few mins ago googling the title for the cover photo, it looks like there are a few other hideous looking movies with the exact same name - don't be confused. This is the christmas themed cat film, not the one with the murderous Santa or the weird looking porno version). The film begins with Santa putting out a 45" record for a girl under the tree, but he is alergic to cats and has a sneezing fit, shattering the record (along with all her Christmas hopes and dreams). She sneaks downstairs, managing to see Santa, and I don't know why, but this somehow ruins her belief in Christmas altogether. The b...

I think it's official that Tommy Wiseau's 2003 film 'The Room' is the official "Shit Cinema" title holder. There's no point even going over, everyone just has to experience it. But, while doing so, try a drinking game that should go something along the lines of: Drink any time anyone... * Addresses anyone entering a scene with "Oh hi ......." * Says that Lisa is beautiful * Mentions the face Mark is Johnny's best friend or vice versa * Any San Francisco scenery is shown * Has a sex scene * Anyone throws a football * "cheep cheep cheep" moments Sounds simple, but you'll be surprised. Extra points/drinks/facepalms for: * "I definitely have Cancer" * "Oh hi doggy" (in fact that whole scene is just a masterpiece) * "You are tearing me apart Lisa!" Feel free to comment and add your own, or to really just reflect on the experience. I strongly advise everyone to follow it up with a YouTube search of T...

I'm gonna start straight out by saying that for a movie I loved as a child, I really did not enjoy this film as an adult in 2016 and I wholeheartedly apologise to my parents for making them repeatedly hire the VHS. Even the opening  theme song  is annoying. Aside from that its a confusing and vaguely heartfelt tale of a girl who lives on a ship with her pirate father sailing the world and going on adventures finding gold (I think?). She then decides to live on land and somehow has this crap shack of a mansion all to herself (and a talking horse - not even kidding), and befriends some local kids and their family. The rest of it is a bit of a blur. They give out icecream, scrub the floor with brushes on their feet, and I think someone tries to steal her gold, all set to an entirely unmemorable (but catchy in 1988) soundtrack of songs and dance routines. My favourite part is where Pippi washes her clothes and herself at the same time, then spins around in circles rapidly...

Arnold Schwarzenegger's 'acting' debut in 1970's Hercules In New York I don't even know where to begin on this one, honestly. You just have to see this film. Those of you that know me know that I am somewhat of a 'shit' connoisseur, and even I was just absolutely dumbfounded at this one. Let's begin. The year is 1970. A young Arnold Schwarzenegger and his almost indecipherable Austrian accent have just won the Mr Universe title, and someone has the genius brainwave to cast this guy in a film. So here we are in what appears to be "Ancient Greece" - basically someones garden with a few collumn props, fake plants, and the sound of traffic in the background. Hercules decides he wants to go to New York - because somehow they are on some sort of co-existing timeline - and with no explanation whatsoever he gets on a fucking PLANE and arrives in New York.  20 minutes in and I recommend starting a drinking game, one for every time he says his n...