Hercules In New York

Arnold Schwarzenegger's 'acting' debut in 1970's Hercules In New York

 I don't even know where to begin on this one, honestly. You just have to see this film. Those of you that know me know that I am somewhat of a 'shit' connoisseur, and even I was just absolutely dumbfounded at this one. Let's begin.

 The year is 1970. A young Arnold Schwarzenegger and his almost indecipherable Austrian accent have just won the Mr Universe title, and someone has the genius brainwave to cast this guy in a film. So here we are in what appears to be "Ancient Greece" - basically someones garden with a few collumn props, fake plants, and the sound of traffic in the background. Hercules decides he wants to go to New York - because somehow they are on some sort of co-existing timeline - and with no explanation whatsoever he gets on a fucking PLANE and arrives in New York. 

 20 minutes in and I recommend starting a drinking game, one for every time he says his name is Hercules, and another for any time he takes off his shirt. Because trust me, these things are happening frequently. Double points for any time you can spot that Arnie is actually reading his script from cue cards off side the camera.

 Highlights of this film include the terrible, terrible editing (including one scene where the edits go from day to night and back again a few times, and one where they mysteriously change outfits), the lack of soundtrack except for some traditional Greek folk music anytime something typically Herculean takes place (eg when he takes off his shirt and fights a group of sailors for no reason whatsoever), and my personal favourite scene - when Hercules fights a fucking BEAR that escaped from the zoo (and yes, the bear is totally just some guy in a bear suit).

 This film has to be seen to be believed. The film making, the acting, the "historical inaccuracies", all of it. It's amazing.

 5 stars.


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