Santa Claws

A Holiday Cat-astrophe

With the festive season once again imminent, I decided to purchase a collection of Christmas-themed crap, this being one of them. Mostly because cats. So while gathered around on Christmas day, what better thing to do than talk to eachother but put on a film and gather round the television for another shit cinema masterpiece - Santa Claws. (Also just a few mins ago googling the title for the cover photo, it looks like there are a few other hideous looking movies with the exact same name - don't be confused. This is the christmas themed cat film, not the one with the murderous Santa or the weird looking porno version).

The film begins with Santa putting out a 45" record for a girl under the tree, but he is alergic to cats and has a sneezing fit, shattering the record (along with all her Christmas hopes and dreams). She sneaks downstairs, managing to see Santa, and I don't know why, but this somehow ruins her belief in Christmas altogether. The boy from next door also happens to see Santa, which links him to the film in an entirely pointless way.

30 years later, and for some reason they are still next door neighbours. The boy is now a bumbling photographer who is either totally wasted, or some sort of weird creepy sex offender. Or just a terrible actor. Possibly all three. The girl that saw Santa is now some really uptight horrible mother to a little boy who isn't allowed to celebrate Christmas. He is told Santa isn't real, and isn't allowed to have a Christmas tree - not even the one he secretly his in his room which gets found in what felt like a "no more wire hangers" kind of moment except without the good acting. They then spend what feels like half their day using all of their household appliances cleaning a mug that the cat knocked over in the kitchen just so she has another reason to continue being a bitch.

So this kid has a bunch of kittens for some reason, and when Santa passes out because he's allergic to cats, the kittens have to deliver all the presents around the world (alphabetically by name I might add, not by location). Also, the cats can talk with CGI mouths and appear to have human teeth. I kinda got lost about how or why this all happened, but I did start the day with alcohol for breakfast so who knows. Somewhere the magic of Christmas is restored to all of their hearts, and the mom decides to love her son and treat him like a real boy. Santa turns out to be some weird allergy-afflicted annoying guy who needs saving with an epi-pen after eating a peanut butter sandwich, which they miraculously have in their family first aid kit, despite none of them having anaphylaxis, and also that it's not even an epi-pen but a fully pre-loaded syringe thats been in the cupboard for who knows how long, but who's looking at those details when Santa is dying of a peanut allergy! Anyway then he has an allergic reaction to the cats, sneezes a massive wad of snot in someones face, and goes back to the North Pole. 
Full of Christmas cheer, and could soon become an annual tradition.

3 Claws.