Shit Cinema

A Holiday Cat-astrophe With the festive season once again imminent, I decided to purchase a collection of Christmas-themed crap, this being one of them. Mostly because cats. So while gathered around on Christmas day, what better thing to do than talk to eachother but put on a film and gather round the television for another shit cinema masterpiece - Santa Claws. (Also just a few mins ago googling the title for the cover photo, it looks like there are a few other hideous looking movies with the exact same name - don't be confused. This is the christmas themed cat film, not the one with the murderous Santa or the weird looking porno version). The film begins with Santa putting out a 45" record for a girl under the tree, but he is alergic to cats and has a sneezing fit, shattering the record (along with all her Christmas hopes and dreams). She sneaks downstairs, managing to see Santa, and I don't know why, but this somehow ruins her belief in Christmas altogether. The b...

I think it's official that Tommy Wiseau's 2003 film 'The Room' is the official "Shit Cinema" title holder. There's no point even going over, everyone just has to experience it. But, while doing so, try a drinking game that should go something along the lines of: Drink any time anyone... * Addresses anyone entering a scene with "Oh hi ......." * Says that Lisa is beautiful * Mentions the face Mark is Johnny's best friend or vice versa * Any San Francisco scenery is shown * Has a sex scene * Anyone throws a football * "cheep cheep cheep" moments Sounds simple, but you'll be surprised. Extra points/drinks/facepalms for: * "I definitely have Cancer" * "Oh hi doggy" (in fact that whole scene is just a masterpiece) * "You are tearing me apart Lisa!" Feel free to comment and add your own, or to really just reflect on the experience. I strongly advise everyone to follow it up with a YouTube search of T...

I'm gonna start straight out by saying that for a movie I loved as a child, I really did not enjoy this film as an adult in 2016 and I wholeheartedly apologise to my parents for making them repeatedly hire the VHS. Even the opening  theme song  is annoying. Aside from that its a confusing and vaguely heartfelt tale of a girl who lives on a ship with her pirate father sailing the world and going on adventures finding gold (I think?). She then decides to live on land and somehow has this crap shack of a mansion all to herself (and a talking horse - not even kidding), and befriends some local kids and their family. The rest of it is a bit of a blur. They give out icecream, scrub the floor with brushes on their feet, and I think someone tries to steal her gold, all set to an entirely unmemorable (but catchy in 1988) soundtrack of songs and dance routines. My favourite part is where Pippi washes her clothes and herself at the same time, then spins around in circles rapidly...

Arnold Schwarzenegger's 'acting' debut in 1970's Hercules In New York I don't even know where to begin on this one, honestly. You just have to see this film. Those of you that know me know that I am somewhat of a 'shit' connoisseur, and even I was just absolutely dumbfounded at this one. Let's begin. The year is 1970. A young Arnold Schwarzenegger and his almost indecipherable Austrian accent have just won the Mr Universe title, and someone has the genius brainwave to cast this guy in a film. So here we are in what appears to be "Ancient Greece" - basically someones garden with a few collumn props, fake plants, and the sound of traffic in the background. Hercules decides he wants to go to New York - because somehow they are on some sort of co-existing timeline - and with no explanation whatsoever he gets on a fucking PLANE and arrives in New York.  20 minutes in and I recommend starting a drinking game, one for every time he says his n...

Now if there's anything the 90's film industry loved to do, it was to mismatch people with monkeys for a hilarity-filled series of mishaps. This film does that and more. Just when you think its on the verge of being the shittest movie you've ever sat through, BAM, the hits just keep coming. All I knew about this film going into it was that it had a chimpanzee playing baseball. That was enough for me! Sign me up. And lo and behold, here we are. The film starts with what felt like too many instances of Friends' "Joey" Matt LeBlanc showing the audience he could pitch a baseball really fast. Then he went and tried out for a baseball team, and about 10 mins in he was collecting the new team mascot from the bus depot, cue chimpanzee. No explanation whatsoever is given for the fact there is now a chimp in the film, but plausible plot elements are not really this films forte. Now the storyline really lacks, he's on a team, there's a chimp, for some rea...

1988's 'Mac And Me' fullfilled the promise of being one of the "worst films ever made", as well as being a complete rip-off of E.T The Extra Terrestrial, and apparently a thinly veiled advertisement for McDonalds restaurant and Coca-Cola. Going in, I was anticipating cheesy dialogue, and lots of product placements. What I wasn't ready for was terrifying gross mute alien puppet things that were just nightmare material, even as a fully grown adult watching in 2016. Case in point, the opening scene:               Progeria meets E.T The Extra Testicle Once the aliens have been introduced for what feels like far too long, we then have an opening sequence about the human protagonist and his family moving to a new town, blah blah, wholesome American basis. So far there has already been a few product placements for Coca-Cola and not a lot of anything grabbing my interest. At this point I decided that it was too ugly and too boring and started ...